Well!! New Year!! Yay!! (sort of)
I think I've finally found a "gender" that fits me and how I want to present! It's always been about being andro for me, I think I lost that goal along the way, due to dysphoria.
I was recently contemplating femboys and how their existence is peak; I came to the realization I just want to be both. Both a tomboy & femboy.
Which leads me here: Non-Binary. I've been going by they/them for quite a while but never really felt like I was defined in such a manner that felt like me. Now - however - I think I can truly take solace in the fact that being Non-Binary, (with a little flavoring of genderfluid and bigender) fully define my (not so) resplendant character.
So now I must extend a thanks, AGAIN, to femboys (the cool ones) for making me find me.
I was gonna simply type this to Kaizer but I don't think he'd get it (or care)
also for the record I'm still trans and wanna be a girl but simply wanna be a girl in a guy way, see above^^^
oh and I also found this cool theme for discord you gotta check this out! its peak!
Oh and I also listened to NIИ's "With Teeth" & "The Downward Spiral" for the first time yesterday. I already loved Mr. Reznor (him being one of the few musicians I refer to by honerary, along with Mr. Mercury) for his film scoring work, now I respect him EVEN MORE! Absolutely stunning albums, was whiplashed by Hurt, simply because I actually forgot he made it first LMAOOO
Before on the "Bad Bitch Music Compass" I was in the upper right corner with Radiohead under "Fat Ass & Sexy" now I'm much more under the bottom left of the compass with Deftones and NIИ: "Confident & Iconic"
If you don't know about the compass check it out here (WARNING ICKY TWITTER LINK)
Have a wonderful year girls!! ~Noelle (-^w^-)
Went back to the eye doc today, prescribed with life! Very thankful. The whole thing was basically a big misunderstanding.
We ended up doing Christmas on the 22nd because I know the other side of my family will bother me. I opened everything, even getting a new keyboard! It feels amazing, albeit a little loud.
The main front and center present, however, is my new PRS 24-08 Quilt-Top. It sounds, looks, feels, play: fantastic. Literally the most perfect thing I've ever played. The tone on it is so vastly different than my other three... ahh~ its just perfect.
I started listening to The Smashing Pumpkins again, giving them a second chance... Absolutely lovin' em. 1979 randomly came on while I was practicing my Shrine speedruns, I've replayed it at least 50 times by now, with no signs of stopping. It's in my league of perfect songs (Bohemian Rhapsody15/10, Black Hole Sun10/10, Cemetary Window11/10, Pale Blue Dot15/10, A National Acrobat 10/10) with a resounding 15/10...
I'm very glad to be given the chance to play such an amazing instrument... My one wish for this true Christmas is for Kaizer to stop using my deadname and start using my REAL name.
To all a Merry Christmas; to all a goodbye!! ~Noelle (-^w^-)
While having money troubles today in the family, yelling insued.
I always take people out of the loop or make them more angry because I just start laughing... I don't see why not. It's really funny to me think that a paper rectangle governs so much of how we live...
...And so while people are yelling and fighting each other I just laugh. It reminds me of one of the ending scenes of Mouthwashing: SPOILERS AHEAD
When Jimmy takes the gun from the cabinet and Curly laughs; that's me. I laugh in the face of dire situations. What is there else to do..?
I also hate when people say Jimmy is a bad character; he's most definitely not. Jimbo as a person? Bad. Character? Amazing.
It seems there's a big disconnect in the community where people just absolutely despise Jimmy, I get it but...
I can't think of a more well written character. Genuienly if you removed the SA, Jimmy's story would be so much more depressing. Think of it: A man who made a major fuck up, lost his mind, lost control of himself and killed everyone to achieve normalcy. The scene where he cuts Curly's leg is where I came up with idea. The other scene where he says: "I made a mistake alright?! I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry, Curly!" kills me every time.
In terms of people I feel bad for descending:
1. Anya
She was locked in there with Jimmy for months, even worse he was the captain.
2. Swansea
Started unlikable, ended with one of the most depressing and heartbreaking monologues ever. Big bro deserved better. His big speech didn't even get me that much, the one with Daisuke, did.
3. Curly
I say this instead of Daisuke because, well, think about it... An amazing captain, crew of the year, accidentally downplayed what Jimmy did, enabled his best friend to do something bad, all while thinking he was doing a good thing. His best friend then not only killed everyone he knew, right in front of his eyes; he also tortured Curly for nearly 7 months. I am a Curly appreciator.
4. Daisuke
My reasoning here is that at least he got out before Jimmy went full schizo. Still depressing, as usual, at least he got out.
5. Jimmy
If he didn't do the SA and instead the game was based on the fact he had a horrible mental state already, or some kind of schizophrenia, DiD, Suicidal tendencies or the like, he would be 1st. It still is really depressing seeing him go through the entire narccistic breakdown, I know what it's like to think you're doing the right thing. At least he did the right thing at the end, even if deluded.
I also saw people on the wiki talking about the crew's favorite band... I think Curly would be a Jazz guy. Jazz or like, 30's ballroom type stuff. Al Bowlly. Curly Would also be Vocals/Lead Guitar in a band.
Jimmy would 100% be a deathgrips fan. Don't know why, just know he would. Or Phonk... DVRST... Jimmy would be Rhythm Guitarist.
Daisuke would be a fan of like... Gezebelle Gaburgably... Yeah... He would be a drummer.
Swans would 100% be banging out to TOOL & NiN! Badass grandpa! He would be Bassist.
Anya would have some really eclectic and indie taste. She would play Synth.
Not really sure how to end this...
"I got nothing to hide. I can see myself for who I am." ~Swansea, staring down the barrel of a gun.
I wanna make a record label for small artists and people in our community.
people watching the stream, fellow transgirls and high demon lords (baller transmascs)
This is the same reason I want to learn how to make guitars. You can make a $1000 guitar for 'round 300 if you know what you're doing. Knowing this, I would love to hand out guitars at the end of our live shows. Everyone deserves a chance at a hobby, whether they end up liking it or not. Even still, you get a cool wall decor out of it.
My middle name ended up being Grimveil out the name Holyvale. Holyvale is too pretentious and I found Femtanyl's bandmate: "Skyla Hearsethief". That last name gets me every-single-time.
Also writing about names as if there has been no deadname is oddly cathartic
I was thinking about it and "Grimveil Records" sounds like a super metal/punk label... My main goal with that is to increase exposure for local bands without charging them anything to upload their stuff to our label. I don't want any money; people deserve it for making the product.
My main reason I even want to get big on youtube or twitch isn't for a stable job, I can get that by helping my hair stylist. Shoutout to you if you see this, you're awesome!
My main reason is that I want to help others, kinda like red skull. I want to get others to where every common working person belongs; money in their hands, mansions abound.
I'm shooting high above my paygrade, and I damn well know that... The allure of success doesn't call me. The allure of helping others, does.
Remember what Bill & Ted said: "Be excellent"
Fellow LGBTQIAN2+ bands must unite!! ~Noelle :3
y'know, sometimes I regret this whole trans thing. I've lost contact with pretty much the only friend I had, 'least thats how it seems. I've never been happier with myself but every other part of my life seems to keep getting worse.
I was playing on an old minecraft world, staring at the moon at my friend's house, thinking of the past. We used to talk so much, nearly 300 days outta' a year. Recently I haven't spoken to him since september.
I remember someone on r/trans making a post like: "If you could be born a cis girl would you". A resounding yes was the response, honestly, me? Nah. I mean, it would fix my (sometimes) crippling dysphoria and I might have a partner; to me it's like that Johnny Cash lyric
"If I could start again, a million miles away... I would keep myself, I would find a way.
...Okay it's NIN but c'mon, even Mr. Reznor agrees Jonny made it his own. Anyway, It's one of those nights, impostor syndrome mixed with a nostalgic moment. I'm sure you know the feeling if you're part of our community.
That being said, if you have lost any friends from being the real you, listen to "Judas Mind" by Seether. One of my favorite songs, might be my favorite this year. Only a few days left but still.
YO AFTER CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA, LITRALLY WHILE WRITING THIS "SEMBLANCE OF ME" CAME ON. WHAT THE FUCKJ. SHAUN MORGAN IS INSIDE MY COMPUTER?! BETWEEN THIS AND THE HOMOSEXUAL MALL MESSIAH, THIS DAY MIGHT BE ALRIGHT
My current favorite string of lyrics is from the album: "Now I keep making the same mistakes again / And losing all by myself / I keep making the same mistakеs again / The world left without me"
okay so in the editor there is no weird ass fractal on the text so Ima just leave it
Real note, "The Surface Seems So Far" is an absolute 10/10 album. I would love to have them play at my birthday next year. Not gonna happen but a gal can dream.
Happy Holidays, sis!! ~Noelle Valentine
I recently finished listening to Karma & Effect by Seether. Now, it's the first album I've heard by them, so I'm not sure on their other works...
In my opinion, this was the last true grunge album. 2005..? They already were stretching the fabric with the release date, sound even more so. It's not the typical grunge but it still delivers.
So many of the songs, well, to me at least, would make a perfect ending song.
I'm kinda making an entire arg around it right now :3
That's about all, if you need ARG inspiration, go listen to Karma & Effect
ps. Your hair looks great today sis!! ~Noelle Valentine
Was watching PBG a few minutes ago, adventure island 3, in particular. The opening of the game has the main character's girl in a bikini; that sparked a thought:
Girls are just so cool. Whether you're heavier set, medium, light, whatever.
Goth, y2k, grunge, preppy.
Figure worth CEO or sex worker
Whether you have to tuck or flare in lingerie
Keep being awesome, sis!!
ps. Don't JoCat me for this one ~Noelle Valentine :3
I've just finished listening to the Foo Fighters newest album "But Here We Are". The whole album, as I took it, is about accepting and letting go of the past. During the final song off the album: "Rest", I began editing this website, mainly the index. I usually refer to myself as simply "Retro" while online, disliking my real name to a certain degree. I'm not the kinda gal to completely abandon my birth name; it has some merit.
For example, when me, Cameron, & Ryan played Deepwoken together, Cameron was using my birth name the entire time. I assume Ryan told him my name, along with that I was some fucked up version of genderfluid at the time. Also, more people need to use the "&" symbol. It's really elegant and dandy. Also I just spent 20 minutes debugging the fucking CSS for this page because I wanted the quotes to be on the left. It's now 1:38:23am.
(AVGN) Anyway: we were playing and Cameron goes: "Oooooo~ Take me places Daddy..!~" and then pauses: "...or mommy!~ whatever works". Now, at the time I laughed because it was super ridiculous sounding; it did kinda feel good. I'd never be gendered correctly before except the one time in DMs where Ryan sent me:
"Wanna do layer 2 -> Actually wait you don't have a choice -> get in here bitch
I know it sounds stupid but for some reason being called a bitch is like, super gratifying. Maybe it's cause its a feminine insult..? Either way, shaggy dog aside, I usually just refer to myself as Retro. While editing the index, I changed a line that said "All members are manually verified by Retro" to "Noelle". I typed it while the song was ending, bringing a slight water to my eye... I'm still nervous and filled with internalized hate, though, I guess I'm coming around.
For another example, roblox, mega girl fit. No one would know, they'd just think I was a y2k preppy bitch. Even still, I cannot play a game with the outfit I (literally) dream of wearing, on. Maybe it feels wrong because I'm pre-Hrt? I boil it down to the insane amount of internalized hate I have for me being the way I am. During the years of 2019-2021 I heard only rampant things about how bad trans people were and how they were the devil and whatever; I know that's not true. Now, that is... During those years I was wildly transphxbic and misogynistic. Even racist if you count some of the dumbass shit I used to believe.
It's rather funny, the pipeline, that is. I went from a bible-thumping hardcore conservative, making fun of Biden every day, hating on trans people, pronouns, etc. I even believed the stupid shit about "Aliens" invading our country. Here's a fun one, 'someone says that to you, respond with "Isn't it the land of the free?" see what they say. In my experience, they start stumbling to reason why it isn't truly free.
Back to the pipeline. Ryan one day opened my eyes. Of all people, it was him; by accident no less. He went to church, came back and was complaining to me that one of the people had a pride flag in church. From that moment on I really sat down and thought to myself: "Man... These people are just trying to live like everyone else."
It's ironic. I made a character called "Buford "Cpt. Stinky" Redsauce" as a joke on hardcore conservatives, whilst being one.
Either way, I sat down, became informed and after a while, part of the community. Just to think that three years ago I would've been the type to kill people like me is vomit-inducing at best. I wonder if there are other former hardcore republican trans girlies out there...
One more bonus thing if I ever find a girl, trans or not, named Aria, that plays music, I'm making a band called "Aria N' Rhythm?"
The dog is so shaggy at this point I can't even see around 'em. Anyway, I actually referred to myself a girl recently and I finally felt happy with my name. That's all.
Oh also I got gendered right at our local drive-though, granted, the guy was high off his gourd... He came through the door and handed my mom the cola, looked at us and said "Have a nice night, ladies!". I'll never forget that one. Ever.
Love you all, girls. ~Noelle Valentine