play this sometime

"It's funny. I get along so well, if only I wasn't me; just then perhaps I could get along eternally."

Who knows if I'll ever even send this; I'll still confess.

I'm still stumbling through the idea of writing this, it's a hard thing. Seeing your friends outgrow you, seeing those you love move on. I thought we'd struck gold, yet it turned out silver. Whether or not you care is up to you, I don't mind. The snow is falling right now, hence the name of the page, being from Billy Boyd's "The last goodbye" which I suppose is what this is. It's been nearly two months since you last sent me anything, I threw a hail mary and it didn't work. I'm sorry for that. If it ever lands, I didn't mean any of it. I've been in a bad spot for a few weeks now and I thought that it was something that could magically make you return, even if angry and bitter. Forgive me for that, it's far too late to shoot down; that bird has flown. Breathe in the air of the moment, I know you must be feeling something at this point: let down, bitter, mad, angry, rightfully so. This is delusion I'm sure, but to me I can't go on with a guilty conscience knowing that I've never got a good-bye. Welcome to the carnival, I suppose, laugh at this just as you used to when I would do a bit. Share it to people, say I'm insane, whatever you wanna do, it's okay now. I get it: some wounds just never heal & that's okay. The snow is falling harder now. I never truly realized how much you meant to me until we no longer talked, bickered, fought, anything. Again, I don't expect a response anymore. I hope you and Kylie are well. I hope Jam and you are getting along. I wished to be invited back to the Jamstore, now that I was no longer depressed, yet; that ship has left the port. I was removed from Ablaze & now you even have a clash tag. I'm really and truly happy for you. I mean that. I know I strained our friendship starting in August of 2023, yet I didn't know the extent to which I'd carved my nail. I see now that you were just putting up with me as a legacy friend out of omission, which sounds bad but... I thank you. Truly. I don't think I would've gotten to where I am today without some of your (i suppose) false encouragement. However deep this hole I've dug myself is, I know it's no longer repairable. From the depression minded Hail Mary to the ouroboros cycle of abuse I put my mind through, trying to understand: that's done and dusted. I suppose the fact you didn't even send me a happy birthday message, nor respond to anything for two months should've been the final nail in the proverbial mind coffin. And, while I still try to wrap my head around it, I think I've come to the final conclusion: we'd been apart for a while, with politics being the final gasp of a dying bond. To which I say I'm sorry for that as well. I've failed a lot during our time in the sibling sun. From the wrong words to the wrong times, I say a solemn sorry. I don't wish for forgiveness: for the most of it you're right. I should've kept my mouth shut. It's rare I cry, guess this is my kryptonite. Well, I've been going on for a while. I'll get to the end here in a second, truthfully I just don't want this moment to end. It sort of feels, too final. But, that's how things are sometimes. When you were sad, I'm sorry for going philosophical. I don't really now how to comfort someone, especially someone that means so much to me, without diving into hypotheticals. For me it always works to try and frame it as something more, which I know probably annoyed you to jupiter and back. I'm listening to "Open yourself to wonder" right now. Feels very fitting for this. Maybe I'll link it. But, that's enough from me, this has been way to long now. Though, subtlety has never been my strong suit. Remember when we used to play Dead by Daylight on the switch? Just running the killers around for ten minutes at a time? Playing skate space in between the rounds, off that we'd play baseball and speedrun mario on the NES... Where did the time go, huh? This gave me an earnest smile. Typing that. Hasn't happened for a while. Anyway, remember when we beat Double Dragon II, having to reload every few seconds cause of the bad physics? Some of that "Pro Soccer" game? Sometimes I miss 2020. I think the last bastion of us was Deepwoken. You played it for so long, just for me; I got bitter when I found out you didn't like it. Skipping over the fact you played it for hours and hours, just cause I liked it. How I wish I can change some things.. And that trucking game? That was fun. I miss that as well. What I'm trying to say with this is that you gave me a purpose in the worst parts of my life to continue on, even though you didn't like who I'd become, nor what I liked to play, though you still indulged. Thank you. Maybe some day we'll find a place for us, somewhere out in time. Somewhere out there, I like to imagine that there's another us, sitting around a fire somewhere while it snows like this, just enjoying some NES games. A place where nothing really mattered, and people lived forever.

Heh, maybe this song's got me a little too 'open to wonder'

Well, that's it from me. I'm still on that last train home if you need me. No matter what happens, who we become, how distant we are: I'll always be your big sister.

Thanks for the years, Ryan.

Love, Noelle.